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How to work with someone you just can’t stand.
Scenario:
I have a coworker whom I can’t stand. They are good at their job, but I struggle to get along with them because they are so opinionated and narrow-minded. They have an opinion about everything and can’t fathom any other viewpoint. I’d rather go to the dentist than be in a meeting with them. What am I supposed to do? Should I talk with them about it or just let it go?
Here are a few options:
Change your view. If you enjoy your work and are happy with it aside from your interactions with this person, it might be best to change your view of them, even just a little. Let me ask you: has anyone ever given you feedback that you were narrow-minded or strong-willed or too wedded to your opinions? Think hard. Maybe a friend, a spouse, a neighbor, a family member. The truth is that the person you are describing is ALL of us, at least sometimes. And he’s some of us ALL the time.
Change yourself. What are some things you can do to model the behaviors you want to see in this coworker? Are you doing anything to enable the behaviors you despise? We often don’t see how we are contributing to our pain.
Change the person. I don’t mean “change” them, but influence them with dialogue. You might say something like this: “I wanted to chat with you about something that’s getting in the way of us working well together. And that’s important to me. There’s a pattern that looks like this: you and I disagree. I share my opinion. You cut me off with your opinion. You don’t ask me questions about what I think, but continue to advocate your side. For example, in the last four budget meetings, you haven’t changed your stance once from your initial position. This comes off like you’re not open to other views. What are your thoughts on these situations?”
Change your situation. Maybe you should consider working somewhere else (or with different people in your organization). I don’t mean to be insensitive, but depending on the degree of frustration you’re feeling, it’s helpful to know this is an option. I’m not saying it’s easy or that you should do it, but that you should try to keep the most proactive attitude you can. If you don’t like the situation and can’t change it, maybe it’s time to leave it.
Gossip and Stew. This is the option that most people choose. They endlessly complain about this frustrating coworker. They make subtle, but sarcastic comments in meetings. They stew in silence. They vent to the boss. And on and on. It’s an option.
I’ve concluded that we all have to interact with people in our lives who annoy us. For some of us, it’s coworkers, others it’s a neighbor, and for some it’s family. Either way, be honest about your options. Don’t paint yourself as a victim, because that just leaves you stuck in the same place. Consider your options and decide on your next actions. Nothing is more annoying than staying in the same situation (that you hate) forever.
Sharpen the Saw!
One of my many mentors told me “We do not find success, success finds us!” Once I truly learned this, my life changed forever. Many times, I have tried to define success at home, work and at play. Possibly, your definition of success is having lots of money in the bank, a second home at the beach or mountains or even possessing certain material items. To each one of us, the picture of success could and should be different.
With tons of ‘How to be successful’ books on the market, I have found that no one book holds the silver bullet. No one person knows the one Golden Nugget which when achieved, success is obtained. Each person’s journey is truly one of a kind. We may say, I have done that, but very rarely do we all achieve success in the same way. Let’s define what success is and is not.
My personal vision of success is when I achieve my goals; physical, financial, spiritual, career, family, mental and social. I find it amazing how each of these goals and the discipline required to achieve them, affect each other. When one goal is achieved it affects and alters how the next goal is achieved. In other words, one accomplishment helps us obtain the next one. Taking ownership of these goals is always an inside job.
Many times, I have heard the words “Sharpen the Saw!” Quite a few years ago, I had a pretty significant chain saw accident, severely injuring two of my fingers, which the doctor so magnificently repaired. Its incidents in our lives that we reflect upon, which reminds me to be intentional about what I want to achieve. Having a desire to be successful, is the first step in this process. Developing a plan to reach these goals is the next order of business. Asking questions like “What do I want to achieve, how will I achieve them and why do I want to achieve them?” is what Simon Sinek refers to as the “Golden Circle.”
Stephen Covey calls it “Sharpening the Saw!” The sharpened saw blade helps us to cut the wood faster, cleaner, smoother and more accurately. In the same way, when we sharpen our human skills, we become more effective leaders, communicators and team players, at home, work and at play. I love the old adage “Keep your nose to the grindstone!” human skills need as well. In woodworking, we sharpen our tools by utilizing a harder object such as the grindstone, heat and a consistent hard effort. This is what I term “Intentional Ownership!”
Mel Robbins reminds us that when we have an idea to accomplishing something, say to yourself a countdown 5-4-3-2-1 and then Just do it! Procrastination is the biggest problem we will have tomorrow, answer the following questions so that you may find the right tool to accomplish any goals, large or small.
Zig Ziglar suggests:
- Identify your goals – every arrow shot without a target, just flies thru the air.
- Set a deadline for reaching your goals – hold your feet to the fire.
- Make a list of obstacles that will keep you from reaching your goals.
- Identify the people who can and will help you overcome the obstacles.
- Make a list of the skills you already have and need to achieve your goals.
- Develop a plan, put it in writing, sign it, date it and tell others about your goals – accountability.
I recently made a promise to never text and drive to myself, my spouse and a group of others. Guess what? The next time, while being tempted to text, my mind immediately remembered my promise to others. I needed to hold myself accountable.
What we become by chasing our goals is much more important than obtaining the goals. The Lone Ranger had a silver bullet, which always won the battle. In achieving our life goals, you and I do not have one single item that guarantees success. Our success is determined by continually – Sharpening the Saw!
“What will I do today to sharpen my saw? “
“What will I do today to help someone sharpen their saw?
Every Seagull Thinks They Are the Loudest
Every seagull thinks they are the loudest?
Floating in a 20’ Jon boat off the shore of Wildwood, NJ several years ago, my father and I found ourselves surrounded by seagulls looking for a free meal. The soaring birds were hungry, noisy and willing to take food anyway they could get it. Even if it meant landing on the boat we were drifting on fishing for flounder.
I don’t remember seagulls in central Pennsylvania as a young lad, but ever since the 1972 flood, I have noticed how they have become permanent residents of our valley’s farmland and parking lots.
After a morning of enduring the rolling waves, the burning, glaring sun and the constant taste of salt water in our mouths, we would return to our hotel for a shower, an afternoon nap and then off to the boardwalk for an evening of very memorable sights, smells and enjoyment. Amazing how we can walk for hours and consume the delicious foods from the mile long boardwalk. Pizza, burgers, fries, popcorn, cotton candy, fudge, taffy, funnel cakes, corn dogs, gyros and walk-away sundaes. (Yes, we can smell ice cream!)
I found it very important to ensure that my grandchildren experiences those same experiences that I did growing up. Although, the boardwalk shops have changed. I don’t see the beaded doors to the entrance to the hippie shops and I cannot find my favorite decal to put on my favorite ‘T’ shirt to take home.
I find it interesting the experiences that I remember and how they have shaped me. Each of us experience different things in our lifetime and we each have an emotional take away that has either a negative or positive effect on our lives. Recently reading the book “Emotional Intelligence 2.0” by Dr. Travis Bradberry and Theresa Greaves, my thinking has really taken on a new perspective. Just as important as learning knowledge, this book shares about the importance of being aware and managing our own emotions.
The four areas of emotional intelligence are
1) Self-Awareness – the ability to know and understand our emotions in any given situation,
2) Self-Management – pertains to the awareness of our emotions and how to remain flexible and positive in any circumstance,
3) Social awareness – is utilizing our abilities to understand the emotions of others by listening and observing, and
4) Relationship Management – managing interactions successfully by building a bond with others.
I am a firm believer of positive thinking and have found that although it doesn’t always help me complete every task, it does in fact, help me in every situation better than negative thinking.
Just like the smells in the atmosphere surrounding the beach cities, the salt air, the marsh, the traffic, the food, the seagulls, we are affected by those memorable experiences.
One cannot arrive where they want to be in life, without first knowing where they are!